Paul you have caused me tremendous pain and hurt. Another huge emotional roller coaster. You sat me down again and told me you were now in love with another woman. A woman you had lived with forty years ago, when you were in your 20's.
On the evening of Thursday August the 27th and into the early hours of Friday the 28th I tried to process what you had done. You are 100% responsible for your own actions, it has nothing to do with any faults or flaws that you might see in me.
You continue to repeat mistakes of the past.
I’ve said that before, and I’m saying it again now.
Initially I was angered and very upset by what you had told me. That very quickly passed. I released some of that anger when I walked away I threw my phone onto the table in the kitchen and it bounced onto the floor. I walked into the bedroom and shouted, “You bastard, you fucking bastard” a few times in a loud voice. Then when I returned and continued to talk and question you it was not me speaking, it was coming from my heart and my deep emotional hurt, a stream of conscious.
I told you then that I forgave you for the infidelity, as I did in 2018, only this time I get to tell you directly to your face. I also forgave Debbie and I’m sending her love and forgiveness. What will be will be, she can not hurt me.
I do not know what you expected to happen after you made the confession.
What did you expect to happen after you made the confession?
We have existed in a long distance relationship for eleven years. First while I lived in Sunderland and you lived in Rufforth. Second when I moved to be with you in Rufforth and you were away working for 3-4 days per week. Third when I was living in Spain and you where choosing to continue to work and move between the UK and this home we created in Spain.
Like the song that came to mind on the Saturday morning after your bombshell revelation.
I’m so tired, tired of waiting, tired of waiting for you. Just listen to the words.
I have had to deal with a number of emotional and psychological wounds that you delivered to me as sure as if you had punched me full force in the guts.
These emotional wounds take time to recover from. Months perhaps even years.
First big hurt
The first big hurt I experienced was your outburst after buying the house in 2015. You sitting in front of me shouting and saying you had made a huge mistake. I remember sitting on the sofa crying at how you were behaving and being upset by your words and outburst.
Second big hurt
The second big hurt I experienced was 2016 after your house in Rufforth had been water damaged. After the dreaded Brexit referendum in July. When friends were staying with us. Another huge and deeply hurtful experience, I cried so much one evening, I started writing “Dear Diary” entries.
Through salty tears I started to write.
Why when I want to share something with you about my business do you dismiss it as unimportant or ask me a questions like,
“And this is good because?“
“And this is important because?”
And embarrass me in front of friends!
It's like emotional abuse and bullying the way you talk to me.
I feel like you don't want to know anything about what I'm doing, you seem as if you don't think my attempts at creating a business that works for both of us is a serious proposition. So I'm not important, our relationship is not important.
Why are you so dismissive about my attempts to try something new?
This is just a small snippet of one “Dear Diary” episode. Your behaviour that week was bordering on outrageous. Of course after our friends left you seemed to recover and we talked through some of what had happened during that week.
The third big hurt I experienced.
On December 27th of 2017, my partner (soulmate) and lover, of the past nine years made a confession to me that he had started to see another woman.
He told me that he met up with her in November 2017, just 4 weeks before he was due to be with me again in Spain.
He told me that he had known this woman for at least nine years, as he met this woman at the same time that he had met me.
Some more snippets from my diary
Dear Diary March 20th 2018
Paul tells me he has booked a 10 day dive trip in Coral Bay Cyprus. He is going by himself. I asked if we were going to be leading separate lives from now on…
I uncover your lies and discover more about Karen.
Dear Diary, You lied to me.
You told me you were going to Cyprus diving alone.
You told me you were staying in a B&B near the dive centre.
For some reason I knew in my gut and in my heart you were going on holiday with Karen. As I now know you purchased a double room in the Roman Boutique Hotel and emailed them to make sure that you had a double bed in the room, before you arrived. You also sent Karen a book on Cyprus car tours and walks, that you ordered on Amazon on the 12th February, while I was staying with you in Rufforth.
I spent many sleepless nights through 2018.
My Dear Diary entry on June 6th 2018
Awake at 3-30am I write a text to Paul and send it. Not sure how he will react?
Guess, what? I can’t sleep. I wonder why that is?
Just had these thoughts of a scenario.
You turn up at the airport, I greet you with a slap in the face.
I say to you, “it’s only what you deserve”
Then say, “ why don’t you just book the next flight back and go stay with Karen, until you sort your life out, and pay me the respect that I deserve”
Questions, questions, questions.
Who are you?
What do you want?
Why are you behaving this way?
What are you gaining from this situation?
How do you see this situation being resolved?
What do you really want?
No need to answer these questions yet.
But you can start to think about how you would answer.
Fourth hurt. Thursday August 27th 2020
Another bombshell is dropped.
So now you are telling me you have deep feelings for this woman Debbie, who has not been in your life for 40 years or so. You obviously arranged to meet up with her when you returned to York in July. Now you are telling me you have fallen madly in love with Debbie again. That you have always loved her and you want to be with her.
Like I said earlier, you are 100% responsible for your own actions.
As I am responsible for mine.
And to add an update the following situation is a continuation of my experience.
How Narcissists Use the Courts to Continue Their Abuse
Fifth hurt. November 13th 2020
Part of Paul's email to me on the 12th of November.
I genuinely regret that I have been forced to take this matter to be resolved in court. Only when you decided to issue a denuncia with Guardia Civil was I left with no choice but to take action to defend myself. As a consequence of this Senor Ferrandez now has my power of attorney and will take whatever action is required to defend me and lawfully regain possession of all my property.
So that you are quite clear about things, I am going to spell out my position. Please pay attention, because I am never saying this again.
- Nothing has been agreed.
Every attempt I made to persuade you to agree to leave was rejected by you. Even on the day I left I pleaded with you to accept my gift and agree to leave peaceably. You would not agree to anything. Whatever offers I made to you, verbally or in writing were just that, offers made in good faith at that time. All of which you rejected. Therefore absolutely NOTHING has been agreed. And now, because “you can’t negotiate a gift’ ALL OFFERS ARE WITHDRAWN.
- You broke all the verbally agreed conditions regarding your behaviour.
You have acknowledged and documented the conditions I applied to any gift, regarding your behaviour. All of which you broke. Despite my numerous attempts to alert you to the consequences, you laughed at the idea of 3 strikes and you’re out. I have lost count of the number of times you have let yourself down with your inappropriate behaviour. Now, because “you can’t negotiate a gift’ ALL OFFERS ARE WITHDRAWN.
- From day one I kept reminding you that one cannot negotiate a gift.
The ONE thing you had to negotiate with was behaving like a grown up and agreeing to end our relationship amicably. As point 2 shows, you blew that, repeatedly. And now, despite me spelling out to you several times that “you can’t negotiate a gift’ ALL OFFERS ARE WITHDRAWN.
No legal representation
From my position here in Spain. I have had just three legal opinions.
One from a Spanish Solicitor near Alicante who responded to me by email.
Her advice was not to leave the property.
The second legal opinion was from a Spanish Solicitor in Puerto Mazzarron.
Who advised me to file the “Violencia de Género” denuncia, a domestic violence report against my ex partner.
The third advice from a UK Family Solicitor was to try mediation via zoom to try and reach some sort of settlement. This was rejected by Paul.
“As if the abusive marriage, relationship or business partnership wasn’t bad enough, the narcissist has to escalate the matter by threatening legal action. The legal system becomes an unknowing and unwilling extension of the narcissistic arm reaching out to cause as much damage as possible. Their take no prisoners’ attitude stops at nothing to seek revenge for causing pain over some perceived embarrassment.”